There are so many emotions that a person goes through when your pregnant, but i think you have a ton more emotions when your not married and you feel like your on your own, but my emotions are so much more than all that. Being adopted and knowing how my birth mom felt through all this has given me a different point of view she went through alot of the same things i am its given me alot more respect for her and gave me an understanding about her that i never thought i would figure out but even without ever meeting her i know kind of how she felt even though i did not chose adoption i still know some of the emotions and for the first time in my life i can think about her in a whole new better way!..
My birth dad on the other hand is a completly different story i have had alot of hate for a person that i never even met, since i knew and understood adoption more i have felt rejected and unwanted and its a horrible feeling when i turned 19 i thought i got over that so time went on and nothing about adoption bugged me.. But then i became pregnant and my boyfriend acted alot like my birth dad those emotions came back for the past 4 1/2 months i have felt rejected and unloved by everyone and my boyfriend was reminding me everyday of something i never wanted to think of ever again. I just can't bring myself to understand why a person could dislike a baby so much without even meeting the baby my birth dad gave me up and left my mom and at first it seemed my boyfriend was heading that way, but he's sticking it out but he's still on completly there and sometimes he says says some things that are extremly hurtful and i sit here and wonder if my birth dad felt the same way about me.. I feel like i'm unwanted by the person that means a ton to me my birth dad didn't want me now the father of my child doesn't want the baby and it kills me to go through this again i know i should just forgive and let it go but when i'm getting reminded of it its hard i know my boyfriend is not my birth dad but now i see more of the emotions my birth dad had..
I pray every day that my boyfriend will understand where i'm coming from and how i need help emotionally through all of this..i haven't seen my boyfriend for a month and its killing me i live a half hour from my parents i don't have friends that i hang out with and sometimes i would just like to go to the mall with girl friends or go see a movie with my boyfriend, but i don't get any of that i have to sit here on bed rest while my boyfriend keeps moving on with his life and only puts me in it when he isn't mad at me.. He told me the other day his anger gets the best of him but i wish he could over come that and finally see me and just hold me and tell me everything will be okay..
I live with a great family and they help me out a ton and make me feel loved, but for some reason there is still something missing..I wanna feel special again and not like a screw up or an unwanted piece of crap or feel like i hurt everyone on the planet...
I sit here everyday praying for those un-happy feelings to go away, but they seem to stay ..So many people tell me i'm strong and i'm doing great but why do i feel so weak then i'm ya sure i'm strong to have made it this far but everyday i feel like i'm drifting further and further into this depress mode that i never want to re enter i need a lil help now and then...i feel like if i stay here in this house i'm safe with no one to reject me and say anything dumb but i wanna go out i wanna enjoy this pregnancy i want my family to love me without letting me know i hurt them..i want my boyfriend to love me and care for me and the baby..but some things i feel like they are hopeless...
Well thats alot of mixed emotions that i just typed out...and some people may not understand where i'm coming from...but it feels good to just let some of my anger out .. i tend to hold it in now..and just let it out when i'm by myself and i just cry and cry...
Thanks for taking the time to read my mixed thoughts..and for caring..
~Lost in a hurting world Hannah
